The Ramen Affair
by Tempest Spiral
Summary: Sasuke, a hotshot entrepreneur wants Ichiraku Ramen but its owner Naruto won't sell it unless he helps break up the wedding of Sakura and Lee. Now the boys must drive to the city to stop the wedding. Love happens in unexpected places.
1. Chapter 1

**The Ramen Affair**

**AN-**As you may or may not have read on the profile, this is the collaboration account of Kaikouken and redstrawberrychan. This is our first collaboration fic, so show us some love-love!! The idea belongs to Kaikouken. It is a humor fic...so we hope you guys will enjoy it as much as we did!

**Warnings-Shounen ai! Yaoi! Boy's love! Some OOC-ness! AU! **If you don't like any of these...don't read!

**Ratings-**T

**Pairings-**SasuNaru.

**Summary-**Sasuke, a hotshot entrepreneur wants Ichiraku Ramen but its owner Naruto won't sell it unless he helps break up the wedding of Sakura and Lee. Now the boys must drive to the city to stop the wedding. Love happens in unexpected places.

**Disclaimer-**Neither Kaikouken nor redstrawberrychan owns Naruto. His rights go to Kishimoto-sensei and his body goes to Sasuke...uh... yes! XD

Enjoy-

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Uchiha Sasuke squared his shoulders resolutely and stepped inside the Ichiraku Ramen Shop once again. He had been coming here day after day for the last month, hoping to persuade the shop's owner, a blonde-haired baka named Uzumaki Naruto, to sell the shop.

Sasuke wanted that particular piece of land because of the shopping mall he was planning and this small restaurant was where he wanted to extend his mall up to. Now, if only the owner of this restaurant was a level-headed man, but no, Sasuke was not that lucky! Because the owner of Ichiraku Ramen was a pigheaded dead-last that went by the name of Uzumaki Naruto who refused to give up his shop.

Sasuke had tried to persuade the man every way he could. He offered money, more land, more money. He even offered partnership, but Naruto was too stubborn to give up on his Ichiraku Ramen! However, Sasuke was an entrepreneur and he hadn't learned to back down. So he did the only thing he could, he pestered the blonde by stalking him. As soon the shop opened in the morning, Sasuke would come and bother the blonde. Every single day. His business was handled by his managers and he was free to persecute Naruto. Though he wouldn't call it persecution — he would call it honest persuasion.

If Sasuke was persistent, Naruto was stubborn. No matter how much Sasuke hounded him, Naruto refused to give in. It was not so much that he was obsessed with the shop. He _was_ obsessed with ramen, though, but he really wasn't too keen on the shop. However, Sasuke pissed him off, and he would rather die than give in.

Since both parties refused to back down, mayhem was inevitable. Every day, there were foul words exchanged, most issuing from a certain blonde-haired man. There were things thrown – which may or may not include pointy objects – and threats, which ranged from castration to death and so on, were made.

Despite the uproar it caused, the customers of the 'round the corner' ramen shop were not deterred from coming. If anything, the little shop had become more popular. After all, it provided food _and_ entertainment.

The audience ranged from young boys and girls, to teenaged girls (remarkably, there were a few boys, too) and adults of varying ages. The incentive was different in each case.

Small children came to increase their vocabulary with as many colorful words as they could, seeing as these were things they couldn't learn at home. Young teenage girls (and a few boys) came to ogle one or the other party member in the dispute; both being exceptionally good-looking sexy beasts — a term generally used to describe the above-mentioned average-looking boys by the general public. Uchiha Sasuke was, of course, one of the most eligible bachelors in the city, if not the whole country, and who knew that the owner of such an obscure ramen shop would be that handsome — for the lack of a better word. The adults, of course – most being middle-aged women –– enjoyed the 'little ramen drama', a phrase coined by the locals.

The upshot of their rivalry or quarrel – whatever term could be used – was that the ramen business bloomed. This, in turn, was the main reason why said ramen shop owner, i.e. Uzumaki Naruto, had yet to get a restraining order for one Uchiha Sasuke. Naruto might be slow on the uptake, but he was definitely not stupid. Besides, it was fun riling up the bastard — the affectionate, or not so affectionate, term he used for Sasuke. Just like Sasuke used _dobe_ and _usuratonkachi_ for Naruto — which pissed the boy off, but that, however, was a moot point.

Sasuke knew what effect their rivalry had on the business, but he was too stubborn and prideful to give it up. Of course, the rumor amongst his subordinates was that he actually enjoyed the ramen shop owner's company was certainly ridiculous, if not downright laughable.

All this was, of course, history and it very well might go down in the golden pages of history books – something that Naruto would never read – and might possibly become reading material for forthcoming generations, remembered as the 'Ramen Fiasco'. And it might have, considering the sheer amount of interest it had generated amongst the masses, if and only _if_, one Haruno Sakura hadn't decided to go and get hitched with a certain eyebrow-wonder, a.k.a. Rock Lee. But she did and 'The Could Be Possible, But Wasn't In The End, Ramen Fiasco' came to an abrupt, if not befitting, end.

Having established that much of our story, we find ourselves with one of the two parties involved in this event in history, i.e. Uchiha Sasuke, who had squared his shoulders to go through one more day of the 'Ramen Rivalry' and stepped inside Ichiraku Ramen. The fact that a cheerfully obnoxious voice did not greet him with the customary 'Yo, Surly-Bastard!' was the main indicator something was up. Sasuke was, instead, greeted by another version of said greeting which, to no one's surprise, Sasuke despised and found irritating. The new greeting was, 'Yo, Girly-Bastard!'. That was the first indication that this was certainly not just your average day.

The second and foremost indicator of the conclusions drawn above was the fact that Naruto, as in Uzumaki Naruto, looked sullen and miserable. If Sasuke, the ice-prince himself, had a heart or common human compassions, he would have certainly asked for Naruto's wellbeing. But Sasuke, being Sasuke, did not. Instead, he asked his daily question, trying to bring back the routine. Truth was, Naruto's grimness had affected him, too, and that, too, was not a favorable situation.

"So, are you going to give up today, dobe?"

Naruto gave a dejected sigh and muttered, "Go away, Uchiha!"

The customers craned their necks towards the two men, giving up their discreet watching for the moment in order to watch a new drama/curse-war being played out.

"So, you are finally tired of this and want to sell it?" Sasuke did have a one-track mind.

"Shut up and get out!" Naruto growled and slumped on his chair behind the counter.

Naruto's assistant, Konohamaru, looked anxiously at his 'Boss' and sighed. Naruto had been this way ever since he had opened his mail that morning. As repulsive, useless, unattractive, worthless, and annoying the Uchiha-bastard was, for Konohamaru, he just might be able to pry some much needed information out of his brooding 'Boss'. With that plan in mind, the young brunette approached the older one who sat in his usual place – labeled artistically by Naruto himself as the 'Bastard's Corner' – and tugged on the aforementioned bastard's sleeve.

Sasuke raised a fine, dark eyebrow and glared at the impudent child who worked for the owner of Ichiraku Ramen.

"You, Uchiha-bastard!" Sasuke's eyebrow twitched at the nickname. "Can you make the Boss talk? The guy's been sulking since this morning!"

"Why should I do that?" Sasuke asked, amused.

Konohamaru frowned and fiddled with his scarf. "Well," he said contemplatively, "you don't want him to sit quiet like this, do you now? I mean, who knows? You might be able to persuade him to sell this shop today by pestering him again." It wasn't that Konohamaru wanted Naruto to sell the shop. It was all part of his plan to make Naruto talk, that's all.

"I do not pester him." Sasuke said dryly.

"You do. Come on, Uchiha-bastard!" Konohamaru pouted.

Sasuke noted absently that despite copying Naruto's pouting style, Konohamaru lacked what could be called... ah yes, Naruto's cuteness. The boy was cute – not that Sasuke would admit that, and he wouldn't admit calling Naruto cute either, for that matter – but no one had the perfect blue eyes and golden hair of Uzumaki Naruto.

After a few minutes of pouting and wheedling by the young child, Sasuke got irritated and decided that asking would certainly not hurt him and who knew, maybe he would get something interesting out of the dobe?

So with that plan in mind, Uchiha Sasuke decided that he would, in fact, say something to the brooding blonde slouching behind the counter, not out of courtesy and most certainly not as an act of chivalry — far from it actually. No, it was just that he found that Naruto was actually more agreeable when he was being his lively, cheerful self.

Standing up and stepping away from his reserved table – yes, having his very own 'Bastard's Corner' did have its advantages – Sasuke made his way past Konohamaru and over to the counter behind which the blonde dobe was still sulking. Surprise, surprise.

"Oi dobe?" Sasuke called across the expanse of the counter which wasn't much.

"What do you want, Girly-Bastard?" Naruto asked.

Sasuke smirked casually, eying his impeccable nails, the perfect air of nonchalance about his person, "Oh, not much. Your house, your wife, and your first born son…" When Naruto looked up with an expression of confusion and horror, Sasuke deadpanned, "The store damn it! What the HELL do you think I've been coming here for, for the past, "_thirty-four_, his anal-retentive and organized beyond belief mind supplied," thirty-four days?"

Naruto pouted in mock hurt. "I thought you liked the ramen?" he replied innocently.

Banging his fist on the counter, and wishing it was his head that he was bashing against the hard surface or, even better, Naruto's head, Sasuke felt his calm shatter into a million tiny pieces. He couldn't deal with this! Give him a boardroom full of tight-assed old farts more willing to spend their money on alcohol and cheap hookers and he could talk them into investing in shit-flavoured, cardboard-textured cereal bars if he so choose to do so, but this, THIS, he couldn't deal with. He couldn't deal with such unreasonable people. Such hair-brained, blue-eyed, blonde-haired dobe!

"Gah! You are so frustrating!" Sasuke managed to say while raking a hand through his ebony locks.

Naruto scoffed at that, "Heh, well, the feeling's mutual, bastard."

Sasuke couldn't help but smirk, "Yes, I'm sure it is." Feeling that he was on more leveled ground, Sasuke felt no hesitation in inquiring, "What's wrong with you today dobe? You're not yourself." The first was a question, the second a statement that brooked no arguments.

Sighing, Naruto slouched down further in his chair, if that was even physically possible without liquefying his spine, and glared daggers at random passers-by outside the shop. "Well, it's like this. You see, Sakura, a girl I went to school with, she's getting married."

"And that's bad because—?" prompted Sasuke when Naruto had been silent for too long and no further explanation was forthcoming.

"Because this guy's not good for her!" shouted Naruto.

Narrowing obsidian eyes, Sasuke eyed Naruto, "And you know this… how?"

"I just _know_ okay? There's no way she can love this guy! He must have brainwashed her! Threatened her! Or maybe-maybe it's her family's doing! They're the rich, fancy-smancy type, and they probably arranged the whole thing and forced her!" Naruto's voice rose many octaves, a feat that Sasuke couldn't have imagined possible, but then again this was Naruto they were talking about.

Naruto's explanation sounded desperate even to Sasuke's uncaring and for all intents and purposes, indifferent ears. "Alright, alright. So, she's being forced against her will. I get it. So what does this have to do with you?"

Sasuke's words sparked something in the blonde ramen shop owner, and within moments Naruto was out of his slouch, out of his chair and shaking Sasuke violently, a fistful of the bastard's shirt in his hands.

"How can you say that so coldly, bastard? She's _MY_ friend! I care about her wellbeing and I will NOT let some big-browed, rich, green-leotard-wearing baboon force her into a marriage against her will!"

With each word that came out of Naruto's mouth, he shook Sasuke a little harder. By the end of his speech, Sasuke felt like someone had put him through a blender that was working through an earthquake.

Detaching Naruto from his person, Sasuke smoothed his crumpled suit and tie — his perfectionist attitude had kicked in. While he did so, Naruto mumbled something under his breath about him 'preening his features.' Sasuke just glared.

Suitably presentable once again, Sasuke decided it was time to continue their little heart-to-heart. "It seems to me, dobe, that you don't see this Sakura as _just a friend_."

Naruto's wistful smile was all Sasuke needed to justify his assumption. This Sakura girl... Naruto was in love with her. No wonder he had taken Sasuke's comments to heart and had reacted so violently. The dobe was in love.

"Well, I guess for a Surly-Bastard, you're pretty smart." Naruto commented almost bitterly.

Nodding, Sasuke fixed his eyes on Naruto's. "Indeed. So, how do you propose you win over this Sakura girl? She's already engaged to be married… did you ever tell her how you felt about her?" Inwardly, Sasuke groaned and cringed. He was starting to feel like some relationship counselor, giving advice to someone about love! Hah. He was such a hypocrite! He scoffed at love and all things romantic. How ironic that he should be the one to advise Naruto. Whatever. He would do whatever it took to buy Naruto out. Hadn't he proved that by showing up day after day? What was a little relationship counseling next to making his entrepreneurial ambitions come true?

"No."

Steeling his nerves, Sasuke prodded the hesitant boy, "No what?"

"No, I never told her how I... how I felt about her. I mean, she's gorgeous and smart, and rich and kind and just — what could I have offered her?" Naruto was staring up at Sasuke now, wide blue eyes pleading, but for what? Understanding? Sympathy? Sasuke wasn't sure and, truthfully, could give him neither.

"Well, as far as I know, or as far as speculation about love goes I should say, it shouldn't matter what your financial situation is, or how much of a dead-last you are. If this Sakura girl is all that you say she is, then it's possible for her to reciprocate your feelings. I suppose." Sasuke wasn't sure if he was being helpful or harmful, and Naruto's expression was unreadable. Maybe a bit of both?

"Yeah… you're right."

Sasuke was too shocked to respond to that. He had never expected Naruto to agree with him. Had they ever agreed on ANYTHING before? Sasuke didn't think so…

"You're right! Damn it! I have to go after her! I have to stop this wedding! I HAVE TO! And you're going to help me Bastard!"

Sasuke was too shocked to refuse outright like he should have. Instead, he found himself saying, "I am?"

"Yes, you are!" was the exuberant rely. Damned if the dobe was not sure of himself.

"And why's that?" If Naruto said out of the goodness of his heart, he feared he might sock the blonde boy in the face, _hard_.

"Because if you help me break up this wedding, I'll sell Ichiraku Ramen to you."

That pulled Sasuke out of his mental stupor, he'd only been half-listening to the blonde-boy, not really caring, up until that last sentence.

"What'd you say?"

"I said, help me and Ichiraku's is yours."

"Done."

**-TBC-**

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Arrhum! Prologue done! Give love to our awesome beta **Simple-Minded Idiot**, who pwns all!

The first chapter will be up soon, or when we finish working on it!

Remember children: Comments are LOVE-LOVE!


	2. Chapter 2

**The Ramen Affair Chapter 2**

**AN-**Yoshi! Sorry for the slightly... -is shot- all right! Annoyingly late update! 'tis all my, i.e. the miserable little Kaikouken's fault. She has too many issues to deal with, which surprisingly involve real life. -gasp-gasp-gasp- Anyway, she took enough time between her readings of Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows and finished this off. Berry-san was far too kind and swift, she finished this within a few days. 'tis all Kaikouken's fault, LYNCH her! -cough-

So this uber long chapter comes out. Over 4000 words! Happy, bitches? -cough-

I forgot to add this last time, but my beloved Uke-chan, not Berry-san though, reminded me! I got the basic plot from a Hindi movie I was watching with so many shounen-ai hints. I couldn't believe it. So yes, this story is vaguely based on that. But of course we are mostly original! -smiles-

Enjoy-

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Uchiha Sasuke woke up in a terrible mood. The night air had been muggy and at some point he had kicked his blankets off the bed. Even without the added heat of blankets and with air conditioning, he had been tossing and turning all night, barely catching a wink of sleep. It just goes to show that even highly rated apartments—the Daily Star had rated it five out of five—with a view and air conditioning to boot did little to stave off the horrendous heat. 

Stepping out of bed, Sasuke swept his sweat slicked hair from his forehead and stretched. His apartment was fitting someone of expensive taste, any Uchiha would approve, namely his Father would approve. The walls of each room were coloured royal blue and bordered by burgundy. The living room was neatly furnished with a coach, and a matching settee. The kitchen was standard, as was the bedroom and the bathroom contained a shower and Jacuzzi tub. Sasuke preferred the tub to the shower but on a day as hot as this, a nice cool shower would be the best choice.

After a lukewarm shower, dressed and fed, Sasuke felt refreshed, and ready to take on the world along with one Uzumaki Naruto. Yesterday, Naruto had accepted his offer to sell the stupid ramen restaurant, only for a small price. All right it wasn't a small price, considering it was Naruto we are talking about here. The blonde had a knack to disrupt the natural flow of things, botching everything up. Naruto had asked Sasuke to drive him to his supposed girlfriend's wedding and help stop it before the couple said "I do." Sasuke wasn't exactly fond of crashing weddings, he wanted the shop and there was nothing that could stop him. Even if that meant crashing weddings of total strangers on the behalf of lunatics like Naruto, then so be it.

Sasuke sighed and glanced at his watch, he had agreed to pick up Naruto at the ramen shop in thirty minutes.

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Naruto stood outside the ramen shop stomping his foot impatiently. He was early. He knew he was early. Sasuke wasn't scheduled to pick him up until nine-thirty and it was only nine-fifteen. Sighing, the blonde boy raked his fingers through unruly spikes. He was irritated. He was impatient. His only love was getting married in a few short days and he had to stop the wedding and here he was, standing around doing nothing! Waiting on his best shot, nay, his only chance at stopping the wedding and the damned bastard wasn't here yet! The lazy no good for nothing, infuriating slow-assed—

"Bastard?" Naruto stated in a calm tone before checking his watch hastily. It read nine-thirty on the dot. Damned if the bastard wasn't punctual.

Sasuke had just pulled into the parking lot and stepped out of his black Porsche smirking like the devil. Naruto stared spell bound, jaw hanging open. He should have known the bastard would own a flashy car. Still, expected or not, Naruto couldn't help but admire the machine. The bastard had taste.

Sasuke caught his stare, and his smirked widened. Stroking the car lovingly he said with a smug grin that wasn't too provoking, it was more like he was proud of his car rather than making fun of Naruto. "She's a beauty isn't she?"

Naruto could only nod and smile. So the bastard was going to be pleasant today? That would make the trip together that much easier.

Sasuke nodded to his car. "Glad you think so. I want her to be in the same condition when this fiasco is finished."

Naruto narrowed his eyes, "Was that a threat?"

Sasuke just continued smirking, "You're not as stupid as you look, Uzumaki."

"Heh, well you're as stuck up as you look Uchiha."

"Shut up and get in." Sasuke ducked into the driver's seat to avoid any further argument. He was wary to begin with, and doing something with an insufferable moron like Naruto was giving him a bad feeling.

Naruto on the other hand didn't have any other choice than Sasuke or else he would have died rather than to cooperate with the stupid jerk. He reigned in his anger and reached out to unlatch the passenger side door. Discovering that it was locked, he huffed and glared through the window. "Unlock it first."

Sasuke feigned innocence. "Oops, I locked it to keep the riffraff out. I forgot just who would be joining me." That said the brunette reached across the seat to unlock the door.

Naruto flopped into the seat. Throwing his ratty bag of belongings at his feet before slamming the car door.

Sasuke clenched his teeth, choosing to ignore the blonde. After adjusting his rear-view mirror to his liking, Sasuke buckled his seatbelt and waited for Naruto to do the same.

When the blonde made no move to obey the laws of driving, Sasuke reached across to buckle the belt for him. Naruto grabbed his hand before he could reach the buckle and his grip threatened to break bones.

"Just what the hell are you doing bastard? Trying to cop a feel?" Naruto's cheeks were dusted pink and he looked rather ruffled despite his stern tone.

Sasuke couldn't stop his eyebrow from lifting in shocked inquiry. "Pardon?"

Naruto's grip on his wrist tightened. "I said, keep your hands to yourself you perverted bastard!"

Giving the blonde a pointed look, Sasuke stated dryly, "Well I would be glad to if you'd release me, I'm not trying to molest you, rest assured, as I do not find you even remotely attractive." Naruto's face took on a red hue and his grip slackened, allowing Sasuke to pull free. After rubbing his abused wrist for a moment, Sasuke sighed. "Put on your seatbelt please."

Naruto stared dumbly.

"Your seatbelt." Sasuke glared. "You were much apposed to me buckling it for you, so do it yourself or I will be forced to—"

Naruto hastily grabbed the belt and buckled himself in before Sasuke could finish. Sasuke noticed the blonde's blush was still present but made no mention of it, after all, he valued his sanity. So he shifted the car into gear and they were off.

They had been driving for all of fifteen minutes when Naruto started fidgeting noisily with his seatbelt. Sasuke took his eyes off the road to glare at him and the blonde stopped squirming at once. Triumphant, Sasuke turned his attention back to driving.

A full minute of silence passed between them and then Naruto started humming what sounded like _'Here Comes the Bride._' Sasuke sighed loudly hoping Naruto would catch on and shut the hell up but the blonde kept on humming with tone-deaf intensity.

In a last ditch effort to shut the blonde up, Sasuke flicked on the radio to drown out the noise. Naruto stopped humming. Sasuke smirked. Just as there was more than one way to skin a rabbit, there was more than one way to shut up a blonde idiot. Things were looking up.

And then it all went to hell as Naruto began singing along with the radio.

_"I'm too sexy for my shirt! Too sexy for my shirt!"_ Drumming his fingers on the dashboard along with the music, Naruto bellowed loudly, _"Too sexy for my—"_

"SHUT UP!"

Naruto, shocked at the outburst stared mouth agape at Sasuke. "What's your problem bastard?"

"You're my problem dobe. You sing like a dead horse being choked posthumously, so shut the hell up!"

Naruto glared as Sasuke flicked the radio off. There was silence. Neither boy spoke for a good five minutes.

By that time the silence had quelled Naruto's indignation at being compared to a dead singing horse and the blonde felt compelled to make conversation. "So why are you such a bastard anyway, Uchiha? Your wife left you for another man or something?"

Sasuke felt a nerve pulse angrily in his forehead. "I'm not, nor have I ever been married."

Scratching his tan chin in thought Naruto spoke seriously, "Hmm. Maybe that's you're problem."

Sparing the blonde a quick glance out of the corner of an obsidian eye, Sasuke kept his attention on the road. "Women are a waste of time. They're only interested in my looks or my money or better yet, both."

"Well, that's about all you've got going for you bastard. Your personality, simply put, is shit."

Sasuke did look at the blonde this time, just to glare. In response, Naruto grabbed his heart in mock hurt. "You wound me Uchiha! You wound me."

Sasuke rolled his eyes. That was the end of the conversation.

The car was quiet after that, well, quiet if you didn't count Naruto's squirming and weird muttering and mumbling. Sasuke was just beginning to grow accustomed to the background noise when he heard a loud snore.

Glancing over only proved what his ears had perceived, Naruto had fallen asleep. A fine stream of drool was continuously trickling down the blonde's chin and the silence was abruptly broken by yet another loud snore.

Sasuke contemplated throwing his half full water bottle at the blonde's head but decided the snoring was better than the singing any day and let him be.

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Naruto woke when the car stopped suddenly. Through blurry eyes he could vaguely make out that they were on some mountain and a nearby sign read: DANGER! LANDSLIDES AHEAD.

Naruto shook his head to clear away any last dregs of sleep before turning to Sasuke. "Where are we?"

Sasuke replied snidely, "On a mountain."

Naruto blinked then asked, "And pray tell me, what are we doing to do on a mountain? Trekking? We have a wedding to stop, not mountains to scale, asshole." He added that as an afterthought.

Sasuke gave him an unpleasant look and said, "I am amazed that you even know how to be sarcastic, but let me tell you that sarcasm is the lowest form of wit. Also, the car's engine has stalled, we are for all intents and purposed broke down" here Sasuke grimaced, obviously perturbed by the breakdown, "we have to find a mechanic and some place to stay seeing as it is getting late."

"What?" Naruto shrieked as soon as Sasuke was finished, "Your fucking car broke down? That's rich." Then his face took a very suspicious look, "You didn't do this on purpose, did you now bastard?"

"Oh don't be daft, why would I tamper with my own car's engine?" Sasuke snapped irritably, "Now, get out of the car and let's head down the mountain, I am sure that we will find some inn or hotel."

"No, you step out of the car first, I mean what guarantee is there that as soon as I get out of the car, you won't drive off?" Naruto said smugly, pleased by his intelligence.

And had Sasuke been a lesser man, he'd have howled in frustration. But he was Uchiha Sasuke, and so gritting his teeth in frustration, he stepped out of the car and waited for the annoying blonde to follow.

This was going to be one hell of an experience.

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The Holiday Honeymoon Inn boasted a pleasant stay and a picturesque view. Customers cared for neither, the rooms were cheap and the food wasn't half bad. That is, if you could call those chunks of multi-coloured globs served on plates, _food_.

Sasuke made his way to the front desk, Naruto trailing behind with their bags. Sasuke was not going to carry bags, no siree!

The attendant was pleasant enough, her nametag read: Ino. She eyed the boys warily but whatever her finding had been, that didn't stop her from flirting shamelessly with Sasuke.

Sasuke was tired and irritated. Normally he'd just scowl and bear the harmless flirtation but he was far past civility.

"Two rooms," He managed to snap.

Ino seemed to squirm at his tone. Was she scared?

Tugging nervously on her blonde pony tail, the girl looked truly apologetic. "Uh, I'm sorry sir. We have only one room available. It's the honeymoon suite."

Sasuke paled and Naruto turned bright red.

Sasuke's thoughts went in the line of denial, this was not happening, no way in hell.

And Naruto, Naruto was convinced that this was all part of Sasuke's evil plan to kill him in some obscure hotel and then do something with his dead body. There was nothing he would not expect from the dark-haired entrepreneur and there was _nothing_ he would put past him.

Sasuke was evil.

Naruto wasn't sure if Sasuke was some sort of enraged psychopath or a necrophiliac or just a plain rapist—who knew?

"There has to be another room, there has to be." Sasuke insisted, his mind conjuring up many painful scenarios, one after other.

"Nope." Ino reiterated, "None at all."

Sasuke let out a resigned sigh and took the proffered keys, motioning Naruto to follow him. The blonde for his part, looked extremely disturbed and followed with a suspicious look.

As they stood in the lift, Naruto opened his mouth to say something but was interrupted by his stomach as it released an angry growl. Sasuke turned his head at the sound of the hideous noise coming from the blonde's stomach and raised a condescending eyebrow, the blonde coloured.

"M'hungry." Naruto mumbled, ducking away to hide his blush.

Sasuke rolled his eyes, another one for his growing list of reasons to dislike Naruto. Naruto and his unending appetite, did that boy have some sort black hole in his abdomen? Whatever went in _there _just got assimilated without causing any effect. Naruto was always hungry —All. Of. The. Bloody. Time!— However, Sasuke didn't express his raging sentiments and swallowed the insults. It was just for a few days, a few simple days and then he'd never have to see the blonde idiot again. Finding consolation in that, Sasuke decided to kept quiet.

They arrived at their room in contemplative silence. Sasuke pondered on the mysteries of life—like how a misfit like Naruto had survived for so long? And Naruto contemplated whether he would have tonkatsu ramen for dinner or miso ramen?

Sasuke opened the door and motioned Naruto inside, as the blonde passed, he got a whiff of the blonde's sweat soaked shirt. The Uchiha crinkled his nose and shut the door behind him with a more force than was needed. Naruto jumped at the sudden noise and turned on his heel to glare.

"What the hell Uchiha? Are you trying to smash the door to pieces?"

"Shut the hell up. You smell, go take a bath." Sasuke answered irritably, Naruto was getting to be a little too for his nerves to handle.

The blonde blew him a raspberry and gave him the finger—Sasuke ignored him. The blonde kept on dithering near the door as Sasuke dumped their luggage, cursing the self-service due to shortage of staff—making a mental note to purchase this hotel and then fire the existing staff. The bed was queen-sized, and Sasuke shot it an offensive look as if the bed had done him some personal injury.

When Naruto saw that Sasuke wasn't paying any attention to his antics—as always, he shrugged and went to find the bathroom, after all he also needed to relieve himself after that long drive. Sasuke was still burning holes in the bed when Naruto returned.

"Oi bastard!" Naruto piped, poking Sasuke in the shoulder. The Uchiha turned sharply and snapped.

"What?"

"I am going to take a bath, so get the food while I'm in there!" Naruto explained happily.

Sasuke twitched, "You came here just to say that?"

"Yes," Naruto quipped cheekily, "don't forget the food."

With that, Naruto left for the bathroom and Sasuke fumed some more before calling room service. It turned out that they could send food up, but couldn't carry luggage. Thoroughly frustrated, Sasuke sat down on the bed and forced himself to calm down. He knew that he was letting the situation to go to his head. But his precious car was broken, he was trapped in a hotel room – with one effing bed – with a retard. Could it get any worse?

Sasuke did his breathing exercises and calmed himself down. He could hear the idiot humming faintly through the bathroom door and relaxed further unconsciously, for someone to have that grating and obnoxiously annoying voice, the boy could sing quite well when he was being serious, maybe all that screeching -that could not quite pass for singing- in the car had been more to annoy Sasuke than to pass the time. Just then the food arrived and Sasuke's stomach growled at the sight. He was hungrier than he had assumed.

He was about to sample some when the bathroom opened and the blonde idiot strode out in orange pyjamas—with ramen cups printed all over them. Sasuke had to stop himself from gaping, Naruto must have had them custom made, there was no way anyone would something that... _that_ hideous!

Naruto grinned. "Stop staring Uchiha, I know I'm sexy!"

Sasuke snorted and replied dryly, "I am not staring at you, but rather at your improper – not to mention revolting – choice in clothing."

"Hey!" Naruto said, offended, "What do you mean by that?!"

And again Sasuke felt his headache returning, he was tired and cranky. He needed a bath, desperately. There was no way he could deal with Naruto before that. He brushed past the irate blonde and proceeded to the bathroom.

Too bad that the bathroom only held disappointments for the dark-haired Uchiha. There was no bathtub waiting for him, just a measly shower. If Sasuke had been a lesser man, again, he'd have screamed a few invectives, but he didn't. Instead he peeled off his clothes and stepped into the showers morosely, resigned to his fate. As he was beginning to enjoy himself, the showerhead gurgled dangerously and then spurted ice-cold water in place of tepid supply before. Sasuke leapt back with a curse and bumped his head into the tiled wall. There was another tap nearby, quite close to his ass and as Sasuke bounced off the wall after his collision, his ass rammed into the tap—at the worst place possible.

The expletives that he emitted would have put Naruto to shame—had he been there to hear it. But as it was, Naruto – after mourning the fact that there was no ramen – was polishing the food off the plates with a remarkable speed. By the time Sasuke, beaten, bruised and worse for wear, stepped out of the bathroom, all that was left on the plates were a few tomato slices that Naruto hadn't eaten.

He limped up to the blonde, fuming coldly and demanded, "Where the fuck is the food?"

"You didn't eat before?" Naruto raised his innocent – wide – blue eyes and Sasuke wilted. Naruto looked so goddamned innocent that Sasuke couldn't even strangle him, instead he limped off to eat the tomatoes, feeling as sour as the fruits he was consuming.

The ensuing silence lasted until it was time to turn in. That was where things got ugly. Naruto wanted the bed, Sasuke wanted the bed. Neither was willing to step down on the floor with the cockroaches and hence, a scuffle was in order—and a scuffle was what they had. The tension that had been building up between them had to snap sometime or other. They clawed, thrashed, smashed, and punched at each other in a true street-like brawl. It wasn't until Naruto had a cut lip and numerous bruises and Sasuke got a swollen cheek and an almost black eye that they heard a faint giggling sound.

Sasuke froze mid-punch and looked at the door curiously, which had been the source of the noises. Naruto who was lying under him also craned his neck to look at the door. The sound came yet again and they scrambled up and off each other quickly. Sasuke dusted himself off and tried in vain to fix his rebellious hair. Naruto also straightened his pajamas that had ridden high and both of them stormed to the door and opened it hastily.

The receptionist Ino and some unknown girl blanched at the sight.

"You were spying on us?" Sasuke asked incredulously. Was there no limit to the follies these people were going to commit?

"Uh, sorry?" Ino offered sheepishly. It only enraged Sasuke further, on the other hand, Naruto was amused.

"Do you usually spy on people in honeymoon resorts?" Sasuke asked; feeling vaguely disturbed. He made a mental note to steer clear of this resort if he ever got married.

"But you are our first gay couple in MONTHS!" Ino whined, "How could I miss this?"

Even Naruto was impressed by the mauve shade Sasuke's face took upon the declaration. He knew that he himself wasn't doing any better though. And for the first time in history they agreed on something.

"I am not gay!" they both cried, dismayed.

Ino gave them a patronizing smile and said, "That's what they all say." Her eyes twinkled knowingly and then the two of them left. However, the blonde girl paused just before turning down the corridor and called out one last thing.

"The lube's in the drawer of the bedside table!"

The door slamming was the only response.

"When I get back, I am going to find out who owns this piece of shit and then I'm gonna purchase it and then sack all of them! ALL of them!" Sasuke said in a low threatening growl.

Naruto closed the door and turned towards the other man, "What's the matter with you? Do you have your boxers in a twist bastard, or are you PMS-ing?"

There were few things in life that could rattle the dark-haired man but the current circumstances and company seemed to do the trick pretty fine. Actually anything even loosely related to the blonde-haired dobe was enough to drive him up the wall.

"Shut up." Sasuke said darkly, "Why are you being so nonchalant about it... unless, you really are gay?"

Naruto rolled his eyes in exasperation, "Honestly, what part of crashing my girlfriend's wedding did you miss? _Girl_friend. Not a boyfriend and—"

"She is not your girlfriend, she is just a crush." Sasuke interjected tersely and Naruto threw him a dirty look. Sasuke didn't know why, but he felt the need to argue that point.

"Whatever, bastard." Naruto said coldly, "Anyway, we must not fight. After all it's just for one night and there's no couch. We can sleep in one bed, unless you're afraid that I am gonna ass-rape you—which," Naruto's lips twisted in a mocking grin, "I wouldn't do in a million years because for that I'd actually have to remove that ten-foot pole you got shoved up your ass."

Sasuke didn't speak further, he was done for the night anyway. He turned and settled on one side of the bed and stated one more thing before slipping inside the comforter, "Keep. To. Your. Side. Or else I'll circumcise you."

"You'll what?" Naruto asked curiously from the other side.

Sasuke gritted his teeth and explained his meaning, "I'll rip your balls off, happy?"

"Why would I be happy if you ripped my balls off, you idiot?!" Naruto protested, cupping his crotch nevertheless in fear.

"Go. To. Sleep. Unless you want me to do that now." said Sasuke and there wasn't even a squeak from other side. Sasuke allowed himself a triumphant smirk and drifted off. It had been a very, very long day.

Sometime in the middle of the night, Sasuke turned on his side and was enveloped by a comforting warmth. He stiffened, it had been ages since he had slept beside someone and so didn't really expect something warm and soft to embrace him. He opened his eyes and found himself staring at Naruto's golden hair. Naruto was a... cuddler.

Sasuke was frozen with shock, unable to do anything for what seemed ages. When he did get over his stupor, he squirmed, trying to pry Naruto's arm from his person but in vain. If anything, Naruto only hugged him harder, moaning softly. Sasuke froze again and tentatively moved his leg to check something. Thankfully, his fears were unfounded when he felt Naruto's flaccid cock. So at least the blonde wasn't getting off on him.

Mildly relieved, he tried push the blonde away, but didn't succeed. Finally, seeing no other choice, Sasuke did what the only thing that he could in a time like this and kicked Naruto in the shin. That woke the blonde up and Sasuke was glad, because his next target had been the boy's crotch and that would have been very hard to explain.

Naruto yelped and clambered away, whining pitifully. Sasuke gulped and turned over again, his mind melting down slowly into sleep. This had been, undoubtedly the worst day of his entire life and he wanted nothing more than to forget it.

And as sleep claimed him, Sasuke realized with dawning horror that this was just the beginning.

**-TBC-**

* * *

The last parts have been written in a state of euphoria over the new HP book, so please excuse me. This is all Kaikouken speaking. Berry-san shall get her moment to shine shortly. I will try not to delay this story any more... -has a hunted look- It isn't as if I have a gazillion stories to finish... -looks at her account- Damn!

Okies! I'm done! Please leave some comments if it is not too much of a bother! -skulks off-


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